There seems to be something of an epidemic where judgement is concerned. Do YOU feel others Judge YOU? Are they or is it just your interpretation?
First of all what does it mean?
- To form, give, or have as an opinion, or to decide about something or someone, especially after thinking carefully:
- To express a bad opinion of someone’s behaviour, often because you think you are better than them:
- An act or instance of judging.
- The ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion:
- The forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind:
There are of course more definitions but these are the ones I feel are more relevant.
Do you feel others judge you?
I hear it quite a lot nowadays. New Mums especially seem to feel medical professionals are judging them and the wy they care for their baby. In the work place it can happen too and even to those trying to start or run a business. Even amongst family and wider family apparently.
It can be very debilitating if you feel that way. It can make you doubt yourself and your abilities.
Why is it happening?
Having seen and heard this quite a bit, I have a theory. I theory is that it may be down to a lack of self esteem. In unfamiliar situations where you aren’t in total control, are feeling unsure because it is new or even someone makes a remark that can be miscontrued as judging.
A new mum who hasn’t had a lot to do with babies or young children can constantly second guess themselves over a variety of things. They google everything which brings a lot of contradicting advice. So they struggle to know the best things to do from feeding to clothing to sleeping for the baby.
So perhaps someone offers advice, trying to help. But the new mum sees or feels it as criticism. This of course can affect self esteem and make them doubt their abilities as a parent, which is awful.
Is it Judgement?
Yes,I expect that sometimes it can be. It would be wrong to say it doesn’t happen at all because some people are judgemental. But generally, if it is someone you know, then it is a behaviour you are aware of. So yes, it is unpleasant but that person will always do it and often in normal times it would be ignored.
When you have just had a baby however, there are different elements at play. A situation that you aren’t used to, a tiny unpredictable person to care for, lack of sleep and that’s without all the hormones making you feel much more emotional. That is all perfectly normal after a baby but it leaves you more vulnerable.
This can then result in advice, that you could take or leave in normal times, as feeling more like an attack.
Those offering advice, even though not asked, are usually just trying to help.
In the workplace:
Perhaps the worker is expected to do extra work they are unfamiliar with or is complicated and seeing them struggle, someone offers advice. This can easily be misconstrued as criticism of working abilities. If the worker then feels judged for the way they work it then becomes a downward spiral.
There are of course people who do criticise and put others down, often to make themselves feel the better person. It can become a very bad habit, so much so, that in time they become unaware of how much they do it.
Some just get a kick out of making others miserable. In these cases, it is not about you at all but about the person being critical and generally unpleasant.
Many do not stand up to people like this because they are afraid it will escalate and they will suffer more.
What to do!
In this sort of case, ask the person to repeat what they said, out loud and slowly. Often they will hesitate then because they have been called out on it.
If they do repeat it, just calmly point out how unpleasant it was and how it makes them appear as a person. This is often enough to make them pause and look at their behaviour.
The type of person who continues in the same vein, despite knowingly causing distress, is toxic and they do it deliberately to upset others. Practice ignoring the words and giving an appearance of calm, even if you don’t feel that way. If they don’t get a rise out of you or make you obviously miserable it becomes pointless.
Unfortunately, you will come across judgemental people in all areas and walks of life. Their attacks really aren’t about you but about their own lives, how they feel and strangely about their own lack of self esteem. If you don’t let it affect you then their attack is ridiculous and pointless.
I recall sharing a post on facebook with a few words, probably on some situation at the time, I cannot recall it exactly but I hadn’t taken sides. Many people waded in with comments, some angry and attacking others just neutral, some demanding to know which side I was on.
So I shared another similar post with these words: What I think of it is my business and no one else’s. That it was pointless to attack me over it because I was perfectly happy and it would not affect me in the slightest.
The result was I did not get a single angry comment or anyone asking where I stood on that post.
Why was the reaction different?
Because I stated that it wouldn’t affect me, that I was and would remain happy regardless. So essentially those sort of comments were pointless. I would not respond angrily or get upset in the slightest and it would not affect my equilibrium in any way.
Many people read posts, see what they want to see and lash out, often without even reading it all. They want to upset the person in the same way they suddenly feel upset and to get a reaction. If there won’t be a reaction, there is no point.
Plus I had already stated I was happy regardless so it makes them just look silly to do so.
Is that possible? Can we learn to ignore it or even no longer notice it?
Yes of course!
You just have to change your mindset. Now that can feel impossible at times if you feel judged but it is possible.
There is a saying.
This is true because you cannot change other people’s opinions. They don’t know you as well as you know yourself, so it’s an incomplete idea that they have of you.
The only control you have is over your own thoughts.
So you have to learn not to care what others think and know that the only opinion that matters is your own.
When you work on your self esteem and confidence and learn to control your thoughts you are free.
Because you no longer care what other people’s opinion’s are. You will be able to take the words of others at face value and not see other motives in them. Or if on occasion someone does try to hurt with words, you will be unaffected and able to just point out that what they said wasn’t very nice.
You can stay centred, calm and happy once you reach this point.
Is it easy?
It will take work and time and you will have to learn to master your own mind and thoughts. This is something that many people are already striving to do with Self Help and Personal Development. There is plenty of help out there, books and courses and even hypnotherapy if you prefer a shortcut.
Working on yourself is very worthwhile and can transform your life, bringing you to a place of true happiness with a life that flows as you want it to.
The Power within
The power to change lies within you, it always has. No one can bring about the change you seek except you.
No one and nothing is better or worse than you, which is a truth that is important to remember. You are perfect in your own unique way. There is no one in the world who can be you or live your life as well as you do.
Your life won’t change until you make the change which you will find easy once you realise the immense power you have within.
Whatever you look at to help you on your path, you need to feel that it resonates with you. Read the first few pages of the book, check out the itinerary of the course and see how it makes you feel before buying. We are all different and what your friend found to be amazing may leave you cold and anything on any subject is written from that persons experience.
There is no, one size fits all.
Let me know what you think in the comments.